confessions of a deadbeat blogger

i pretty much made the decision to quit the blog for good. i wasn't feeling it anymore...it became more of a job than a journal and that was never my intention. the time wasn't there...or, more accurately, i wasn't making the time because, honestly, i didn't want to. for a few months i have been going days without even turning on the computer and it has felt oh so good. contrary to what you might think i didn't quit the blog for FB...i quit the blog because i felt like the blog was strangling me.

when i worked outside the home it was so easy to spend hours and hours on the computer doing anything from work to reading to emailing to surfing the web. i had 8 hours a day to play and i loved it. when wil was a tiny baby the computer became my link to the outside world. he slept a lot, most of my friends were at jobs where they did all the aforementioned stuff on the computer and i got on the computer in the morning and stayed on all day to feel connected. as he's grown my time has become less and less. he wants to play. he wants to eat. he wants to go outside. he falls down. he needs a hug. he wants to read (again and again). he has no patience for my being on the computer and he shouldn't have to acquire it. then there's lucy...and the cats....and, oh yeah, me. lucy needs a walk. the cats need food (again and again). i want to exercise. i want to read. i want to take a shower alone . i want to load all my cds onto itunes. i want to organize. i want to cook. i want to sleep. ARGH....there's no time for it all. so things get ditched. the blog. the reading. the shower. the cds. the exercise.

but then there's the guilt. not over the shower but certainly over the blog. SIGH. same song, different verse.

when you work outside the home you learn to multi-task. you learn that there are things that need to be done today and things that can wait. there are things that take 20 minutes and projects that last 2 months. there are deadlines to be met and a boss to impress and somehow, regardless of co-worker chatting and web-surfing, things get done. when you are home with an ever-changing variable (wil) it's not as easy to get things done. there are no deadlines (oh, i'll get that last 10 lbs off someday....i think my hair can go just ONE more day before i wash it...everyone loves PB&J for dinner - it's FUN!) and there is no boss to impress. there isn't an annual review and everything starts to run together. i am rambling.

the point is this. i get overwhelmed at times and i fall off the face of the earth. i have always been this way and it shows in different areas of my life at different times. i am trying to teach myself how to build a schedule and stick to it. i am trying to learn that everything doesn't have to be all or nothing. this is a very hard lesson for me. very hard.

nevertheless i am back and will continue to be back a few times a week (maybe less) but certainly no more. it's hard to achieve balance when you're clumsy as hell but i will continue to try.

while emily was out yachting it up, i....

dealt with this...

shoveled this...

walked this...

paid these...

changed 100 of these...some with poo...lots and lots of poo

tried to do this....

and this...alone (never succeeded)

washed, folded and put away this...

and this....

entered a period of "change" (love the new 'tude wil)....

emptied this...multiple times....

made this...

filled these over and over and over...

tried to make something out of nothing....

unloaded, reloaded, unloaded, reloaded, unloaded, reloaded this...

repeatedly opened and closed this for dog...

and cleaned this...

all while generally looking like this.

emily, with all my heart i hope your week sailing around BVI on a private yacht was glorious. no doubt after viewing this photo essay you're probably pretty bummed you didn't take the week off to be me.

birds of a feather

i caught myself staring at a shelf full of odds and ends the other day, thinking about how we'd come to possess each of them. we have some pretty cool stuff, if i do say so myself, and almost all of it has a pretty good story behind it. in some cases the story is about the thing itself, in others the story is about something the thing reminds me of. regardless of what makes an object sentimental it's fun to take the time to sit, stare, reflect, remember and regard it.

i don't really consider myself a material girl. i like nice things as much as the next gal but i can love a shirt from old navy just as much as one from anthropologie. that's why i love our trinkets so much...the love doesn't come from how much it cost or whether or not it's fancy but from a place in my memory. on occasion when i cannot sleep (a lot lately)i will lie in bed and think about what five items i'd grab on my way out of the house in a fire. ryan, wil and animals aside, these are things i would miss if i no longer owned them, things i consider irreplaceable. it's a funny exercise because, with a few exceptions, the things i'd save are constantly changing. all of this, as you might imagine, is simply an introduction into an idea i had for this blog. i want to tell the tales of these things...make them come alive, if you will, for you, for me and if he cares to read them someday, for wil.

up first, the one thing that's always on the fire safe list....my bird.

i got this bird one summer in newport, ri. mom and dad were visiting us in MA and we made the trip to newport for the day. newport, in case you've never been, is a really neat and quaint town in RI. we had such a wonderful day and when i look at this bird i mostly think about our day. we had a wonderful lunch, drove the coast and looked at all the fancy mansions, mom and i shopped, dad and ryan bar hopped and we had a final drink to toast the day at the red parrot. while there dad drew a map of texas for the bartender on a napkin which she promptly hung up above the bar. i haven't been there since but i hope it's still there.

the bird itself was one of those things that i saw and immediately, without any hesitation, knew it would be mine. i didn't care how much it cost*, didn't ask, and i picked it up and headed to the register. i bought something else in that store, too, but i cannot for the life of me remember what it was. i don't even know if i still have it!

i cherish this bird. i cannot explain it. it makes me so happy to see it. i think it's beautiful and quirky and odd. you can tell that someone put a lot of time into creating it (the shop gal told me that it was a local artist and one of a kind) and i love that. it was made with someone's hands and i wish, oh how i wish!, that i could make something so cool. it's something i will have forever and will be the first thing i grab (after all the living) in a fire. it lives in our bedroom, far out of reach of little hands, and if it were to be broken i might fall to my knees crying the same way my grandmother did when i broke her beloved giraffe. it's just a bird, i know, but it's the only one...and it's mine. next time you visit, ask me to see it...i'd love to show it off. but remember...you see with your eyes, not your hands.

*thrilling tidbit: the bird cost $35. i would've paid 100 times that and was surprised that i wasn't asked to. i've always remembered the price...probably because i was so pleasantly surprised by it.

sunday driver

one of wil's best birthday presents was given to him by aunt heather & uncle kurt...his very own four-wheeler! until recently either the weather or his health or our simply not being home has kept him from riding. i took him out friday, a beautful 46 degree day, and ryan and i took him out again yesterday morning. even though it was C-O-L-D the sun was shining and he managed to get a good ride in. we tend to think most things he does are pretty darn cute but this takes cute to a whole new level. enjoy!

perspective on size

thumbs up

back in business

it's been 2 months and 3 days since my last confession...uh, post. man oh man so much has happened! we celebrated thanksgiving and christmas, we said good-bye to 2008 and welcomed in 2009, wil turned the big O-N-E and had a fantastic party, we took another trip to texas and came home with one hell of a souviner...RSV!...i checked a few things off my list and just this week, i rejoiced as a new administration took charge of our great country! the times they are a changin'....

the thought of trying to write posts on all the stuff that's happened over the past few months is completely overwhelming. i'd be lying if i said i'd do it so i'll fess up now and say it's not gonna happen. i will, however, try to sum up the last 2 months and 3 days with this:

i am so grateful for the life i have been blessed with. i feel happier than ever and more sure of myself at 34.5 than i ever thought possible. for one, we have been blessed with the most beautiful, smart, funny and stubborn little life on the planet. wil brings us new joys (and new frustrations) every single day and i cannot imagine how we ever lived life without him. (well, more books were read and more movies were watched but these are minor things...) we have the best friends in the whole world. throughout the last months of 2008 and the first weeks of 2009 we were fortunate enough to share many laughs, stories, drinks, eats, tears, hugs, smiles, joy and love with so many friends, both near and far. the older i get the more i realize that distance is only a problem if there's distance in your heart...thank God we don't have that problem. we also spent the last two months sharing time with members of both familes. it started at thanksgiving and just kept going. what an outpouring of love and support we get from them all and we consider ourselves, again, blessed.

there is nothing more beautiful than sharing love and being loved. that is what the last two months have been full of, the sharing and receiving of love, joy, and peace. what a wonderful world!

here kitty, kitty....

wil and lucy don't have the only starring roles in our house. they share the billing with our two cats, stone peoria & murphy. each time we add a new member to our cast the star of the show has become a supportive player. however, when you think about theatre & movies, it's the supporting roles who give the whole production color. with that in mind, today we turn the spotlight on stone & murph.

i got stone in the summer of 1996. i really wanted a cat of my own so i headed to the local shelter in sherman, texas. as always, there were so many cute cats waiting for a home but stone was a special case. she and 13 of her brothers and sisters had been found in a dumpster with their mother who was deceased. the kittens were sharing two cages and i sat on the floor and took each one out one by one. all were bouncy and playful...except stone. she was the runt of that huge litter and when i took her out she stayed right were i'd placed her. that did it for me. i paid my $20 and took her home. she was so tiny and scared. erin was my roommate at the time and in her room at the back of the house she had a bookshelf made of wood and cinderblock, very common college student furniture.stone used to go into her room and crawl into a hole on the side of the cinderblock and stay for hours and hours. she was gray and blended into the block hence her name. (i also had a fascination with stone phillips & stone gossard of pearl jam so it worked. oh, and i thought she was a boy.) she got very sick soon after coming home with ring worm. she lost all her hair after she was treated by a quack vet and almost died. she wasn't even a month old! as soon as she began to get better i started buying her canned tuna and salmon. she ate it up....and she started putting on weight...and never stopped. she has been with me for almost 13 years and i could fill a book with stories about her. she is moody and smart, loving and funny. she was my first "kid"and she has a special place in my heart. i am delighted that wil loves her above all our animals and find it endearing that she is never far from where he is. she has a crazy name (another story for another day), a full-figured bod and a tiny head. she is one of a kind and my life wouldn't be the same without her.

murphy came along in the summer of 2002. we'd discussed getting another cat as a friend for stone and murph kind of fell into our lap. i worked with a woman whose neighbor had a pregnant cat dropped in her lap. the pregnant cat, emily, was a 6-toed cat also called a double paw. (if you've never seen a double paw cat they are really cute. their hands & feet look like catcher's mitts.) my co-worker told me this story one day and i asked her to secure one of the kittens for us. we went to see them right after they were born (remember rita?!?!!?) and couldn't wait to go back and pick one out. ryan and i went one saturday, played with them all and picked murphy. ironically murphy was the only kitten that wasn't born with double paws. the woman we got him from questioned us about our decision (as if we were biased!!!) but murph was the most frisky of all the kittens and that's what we wanted. we had one laaaaaaaazy cat, we didn't want another! besides, we thought a frisky kitten might give stone a much needed workout. murphy was so cute and funny. he bounced all over our tiny apartment and gave us a ton of laughs. he still does. stone hated him (and us) in the beginning but she soon got over that. they are as close as brother and sister. murphy is a comedian. he is mysterious and longs to run away outside and sometimes does. he has become extremely loving lately and is the one animal that tolerates wil's "petting." he drinks a ton of water (we had to buy him a water fountain - seriously) and will steal a twizzler right from your hand. another one of a kind and we are grateful to share our days with him.
i know a lot of people don't care for cats but i find them fascinating. they are super smart and can be grumpy and opinionated but when they love you they really love you and it's great. stone and murphy...you're the cat's meow.

BFFs

when i was growing up my BFF was a little doll my grandmother nora gave me. her name was karen and i carried her everywhere by her hair. i guess i thought that was the best way to hold her. she's still with me and is as beautiful as ever*.

wil's BFF is a giraffe blankie who ryan and i named paco way back when to avoid saying, "where's his giraffe? which one? that one? no this one..." wil is in love with paco and although he doesn't yet realize it, paco is special because he was a gift from my BFF denise. each time i go in to get wil out of bed he raises paco to me first for a greeting. each night before ryan puts wil to bed, paco is pushed into my face for his own goodnight kiss. paco's mere presence makes wil feel safe, secure and happy. i have long stated that i would not give into the idea that there should be a backup paco. i used to believe that losing paco would be a good lesson in loss but that was long before an adorable little boy fell in love with him. with that in mind...i'll be shopping for paco #2...just in case.

*beauty is clearly in the eye of the beholder. when i took karen out for her photo session i showed her to wil. he backed away from her. i pushed him toward her, he turned a moved further way. the look on his face was one of utter horror and he made an "ick" sound. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! maybe loss isn't a lesson i am prepared to teach him but acceptance of things that look different absolutely is. poor karen. she's gorgeous! missing thumb, wobbly neck, dirty face & all.

city gym, country gym

i am from lamesa. suffice to say, i am not fancy, i know basic and, honestly, i prefer things that way. but a little fancy never hurt anyone.....right?

for the past month ryan's dad and step-mother (heretofore ned & katie) have been talking to me about passing over ned's membership to the atlantic club. each time this conversation has come up i have been quick to tell them that i recently joined WOW and that i am happy with the gym and it's services. that always falls on deaf ears. they have talked up the pool, the babysitting, the machines and the classes at the atlantic club and i have polietly listened always saying, "yes, it sounds great - but i am a member of WOW and i like it there." either they haven't heard me or they don't care because, well, you'll see.

this all started when ned decided to join a gym. naturally he joined the atlantic club. he stopped by for a visit and a glass of water after one of his first workouts and i congratulated him on trying on a new, healthy, lifestyle for size. a few days after that he failed a stress test given by the club and was told he'd need a note from the doctor to continue. until he was able to produce said note, the membership would be on hold. he made an appointment that he moved and then moved again. as it turns out he wasn't all that interested in the new lifestyle and since he'd paid for a year's membership up front he decided to pass it off to me. thus, paragraph #1.

ryan and i get a kick out of both ned and katie. they are absolutely generous to a fault - especially to me - and whatever they decide you need, you get - the deluxe model. i explained again and again to ryan that i felt bad taking the membership when i already went to WOW. he finally said, "take it. they won't stop until you do and, who knows, maybe you'll like it better. or maybe you'll find a combination of both gyms best fits your needs." ryan. so, so rational and fair. so, i accepted and am now a keycard carrying member of both the atlantic club and WOW.

i decided that today was a good day to try the atlantic club out for the first time. they have an intensive yoga class schedule and i wanted to see if the classes were really as top notch as they're rumored to be. because the class was 90 minutes and i wanted to get the lay of the land i asked katie to watch wil for me. she happily agreed, arrived promptly at 10a and off i went.

my first chuckle came only seconds after i turned into the parking lot. you see, standing out front were two guys in inform ready and waiting to valet park your car...complimentary. wow. or more to the point...not that WOW. i happily parked myself. i walked into the club through the automatic doors and had my second giggle as i passed the coffee bar/cafe - it was packed. the woman that greeted me was SO nice and offered to show me around. i was in a rush to get to class so i said i'd give myself a tour after. the facility is gorgeous. there is, indeed, a huge pool, wonderful machines, a pilates room full of strange apparatuses, there is a large and lovely spa, a locker room that has a hot tub and wet and dry saunas and, of course, the daycare. the best part about the daycare is that i can leave wil there for $5 should i ever visit the spa. WOW. no, not that wow. impressive.

the class was amazing. the woman that taught it was from india and, honestly, i think that made it even better. she had the heat up high, kept the room dark and said things like, "say an om into your third eye." SOLD.

the whole time i was there i felt like i was cheating on WOW. WOW is fancy, too, in its own way. the equipment is state of the art, the classes are good and i feel comfortable there. i felt comfortable at the atlantic club too. so, what's a girl to do? i've decided to keep both memberships going. if i find i go to one or the other more often i'll make a decision then. like i say, i am not about fancy as much as i am about results; and you can get results in a barn, in the dead of winter, in the middle of nowhere. rocky taught us that.