confessions of a deadbeat blogger

i pretty much made the decision to quit the blog for good. i wasn't feeling it anymore...it became more of a job than a journal and that was never my intention. the time wasn't there...or, more accurately, i wasn't making the time because, honestly, i didn't want to. for a few months i have been going days without even turning on the computer and it has felt oh so good. contrary to what you might think i didn't quit the blog for FB...i quit the blog because i felt like the blog was strangling me.

when i worked outside the home it was so easy to spend hours and hours on the computer doing anything from work to reading to emailing to surfing the web. i had 8 hours a day to play and i loved it. when wil was a tiny baby the computer became my link to the outside world. he slept a lot, most of my friends were at jobs where they did all the aforementioned stuff on the computer and i got on the computer in the morning and stayed on all day to feel connected. as he's grown my time has become less and less. he wants to play. he wants to eat. he wants to go outside. he falls down. he needs a hug. he wants to read (again and again). he has no patience for my being on the computer and he shouldn't have to acquire it. then there's lucy...and the cats....and, oh yeah, me. lucy needs a walk. the cats need food (again and again). i want to exercise. i want to read. i want to take a shower alone . i want to load all my cds onto itunes. i want to organize. i want to cook. i want to sleep. ARGH....there's no time for it all. so things get ditched. the blog. the reading. the shower. the cds. the exercise.

but then there's the guilt. not over the shower but certainly over the blog. SIGH. same song, different verse.

when you work outside the home you learn to multi-task. you learn that there are things that need to be done today and things that can wait. there are things that take 20 minutes and projects that last 2 months. there are deadlines to be met and a boss to impress and somehow, regardless of co-worker chatting and web-surfing, things get done. when you are home with an ever-changing variable (wil) it's not as easy to get things done. there are no deadlines (oh, i'll get that last 10 lbs off someday....i think my hair can go just ONE more day before i wash it...everyone loves PB&J for dinner - it's FUN!) and there is no boss to impress. there isn't an annual review and everything starts to run together. i am rambling.

the point is this. i get overwhelmed at times and i fall off the face of the earth. i have always been this way and it shows in different areas of my life at different times. i am trying to teach myself how to build a schedule and stick to it. i am trying to learn that everything doesn't have to be all or nothing. this is a very hard lesson for me. very hard.

nevertheless i am back and will continue to be back a few times a week (maybe less) but certainly no more. it's hard to achieve balance when you're clumsy as hell but i will continue to try.

make new friends...keep the old

rita came to visit us for a few days this past sunday. if you don't know rita you are really missing out on a neat person. the youngest of seven children rita is about as laid back as they come. we met soon after i moved to boston when we worked together at the archdiocese of boston. we became fast friends and have remained so over the past 7 years. i was so grateful that she made the trip to NJ...five hours in a car alone is not always easy...but thankfully she had beautiful driving weather both ways. it was a thrill to be able to show off wil - especially to such an attentive audience. we spent her time here cooking, walking, shopping, eating, driving and, most importantly, talking. rita is both a great conversationalist and a great listener. we have shared a lot of thoughts on many subjects over the years and it was fun to have nothing but 3 days to talk and think with her. i am so glad you came, rita. i cannot wait for the next visit!

after last week's post detailing the events of my failed playdate i have happy news to report. this week at music class a new woman joined our group. she and i seemed to hit it off and at the end of class she suggested we exchange numbers which we did. i don't know where that will lead, if anywhere, but it was nice to be singled out for a number exchange. i also made some headway with a woman in my class that i like and have been casually and slowly cozying up to for a few weeks. her daughter is almost exactly the same age as wil and she and her husband are about to move into a house in one of the towns that make up the newcomer's club. i actually know someone that lives near her new place and asked her if she planned to join newcomer's. she said she probably would after the first of the year and suggested that wil and i come over after they actually moved in and were settled. that also felt good and i walked out of music with a little more spring in my step.

also of interest...the failed playgroup seems unwilling to die. a woman from the original group offered to host this week. i emailed her to say that wil and i would be there. it was this morning and before we arrived i stopped to buy her some sunflowers, my favorite, as a thank you for having us. we were the only people to show (she was expecting 3 total) and i was glad we did. her son is 10 months old and he and wil played well together. we had quite a few things in common: both lived in boston, both dated our husbands long distance, both red sox fans, both husbands are penn state fans, both tall. i admitted to her that i wasn't sure i saw our assigned playgroup getting off the group but suggested that she and i do something together with the boys soon. she seemed happy with that suggestion and i will make good on it.

i am also stepping a little further out there by attending the newcomer's club vendor night tonight. vendor night is held this month in place of the monthly sip & chat and there might be some cool arty-crafty stuff to buy. it will be the second newcomer's event i've attended this season and will complete #34 on my list.

and one last thing combining both playgroups and newcomer's club....heather's playgroup is being held tomorrow and i have been invited. the interesting part is that it is not at heather's and one of the women took it upon herself to include me. even though my link to the group is unable to go wil and i are still going and that is a good thing.

all in all things are good. i went from taking pictures of an empty room to this in just under a month. patience truly is a virtue.

courting mommy

my dear friend rita sent me an article on mommy dating this week with the question, "is it really like this?" SIGH. yes, rita, it's really like this. allow me to illustrate my point.

i am a member of a social organization called newcomer's club that brings people from four towns together for women's events, men's events, couples's events, family events, charity events...you get the idea. we joined last year but after having wil i was not emotionally ready to tackle meeting new people. this year i have been to one of the women's events and i requested that wil and i be added to a playgroup. i was excited about the playgroup for several reasons but mainly because two dear friends (denise & heather) have uber-successful playgroups where moms AND kids have become great friends. i wanted that for myself...and for wil.

assignments came out about 6 weeks ago and i was placed in a group with seven other women with children all around wil's age. i was so excited but as not to seem desperate i waited to see if anyone else would jump before i plunged. no one did (which should've been a sign) so i offered to host the first group at my house. after about 1,000 emails back and forth we all agreed that thursday's from 9:30-11:00 worked for all of us. i was excited. all seven women were coming and i just knew lifelong friends for both wil and me were going to show up on my door step.

the night before four of the seven cancelled. still hopefull i got up before 6a on the morning of the big day and scrubbed the area that we'd be "playing" in within an inch of it's life. i was working on adrenalin and hope. i took a shower, took great care with my hair and got dressed up...but not too up...again, didn't want to seem desperate. i got wil dressed up too and by 8:45 we were ready and waiting. and waiting. and waiting so long, in fact, that wil gave up.

you can probably see where this is headed. my first guest arrived at 10:15. she was very nice but, honestly, i cannot remember her name. she did not want coffee or water or coffee cake. she hovered over her daughter and kept pulling out toys that she brought from home for her daughter to play with. i am sure she is a lovely, wonderful person but for lack of a better way to say it...she wasn't my type. my second guest arrived frazzled and apologetic at 10:50. she also didn't want coffee (or water...or coffee cake) and her child, the oldest of the group, ran all over the house without her supervision. at one point, she actually said, "i wonder where he is..." WHA? in her defense, she was pregnant and the kid was BEYOND high energy but, jeez, wow. again, she is probably a wonderful, lovely, person but, while more my type, i just wasn't feeling it. the third person never showed up and the aforementioned left at 11:05.

disappointed does not begin to describe how i felt. i was completely deflated. look, it's not that i don't have friends here. i do, great ones. this is not about wanting to replace those friends...just add to them. and, honestly, this was a chance for me to make friends on my own. it was the first time since having wil that i was willing to put myself out there and it flopped. luckily, i am not a quitter. i'm in this game to stay and, eventually, i know i'll find a winning team.

so, rita, the overwhelming answer to your question is YES. it's hard to meet moms, it's hard to meet men, it's hard to make friends sometimes, too. even if you have a great network naturally in place there will still be a time when you've gotta swim out there on your own and it's hard. the thing that keeps me going, however, is that with perseverance you will eventually make great, lifelong friends that will totally get it when you share stories just like this.

if you can stomach it...check out my photos.

hairy situation

"some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts." ~jim morrison

i am admittedly, what some might call, hair obsessed. i think about my hair a lot...is it too long, too short, too blonde, too brown, too dry, too thick, too thin? typing it all out like that makes me think that maybe i've deemed it too important. anywho...i digress.

a week from saturday i am getting a new do. i am trying to determine what to do and, because i am having my friend gwen cut it for the first time, trying to make a list of what to tell her i want and don't want. let's face it: a trip to the beauty shop is intimidating. there is always a conversation that starts one way and ends another. i am living proof that what i say to my hairdresser gets totally lost in translation. because i know this to be true i almost ALWAYS bring a picture which i know hairdressers hate. and why wouldn't they? for example: i have very thick hair. most of the pictures i bring trying to describe the hair i want (that day) are of people with thinner hair. the good hairdressers tell you it can't be done and guide you in another direction. the bad ones do it anyway and thin your hair out so severely that you begin to resemble your husband. (doh!) therefore, in the spirit of helping, i started bringing pictures of myself with hairstyles that have worked for me. surely there is nothing to closer to hair that resembles my hair than my hair. however, this has proven a cause for concern. sigh.

when i made my appointment with gwen i was determined to have my hair cut like this:

this adorable woman is kyle's sister-in-law. i think her hair is equally adorable and appears to be thick like mine. (gwen confirmed this) i have been so excited to do this. my hair suffered terribly after giving birth. it is now drier and more brittle than it's ever been and more uncooperative than ever. my thought was to cut it off and start again with a clean slate. all the while maintaining a style that says, "i am a hip and stylish mom." sigh.

friday night i let my hair dry on it's own. it was hotter than hades here and the thought of breaking out the hair dryer to spend 45 minutes pulling my already dry hair into nice, straight sections seemed exhausting. when jacki and beth arrived, two EXTREMELY stylish young gals, and complimented my hair i was bouyed...floating on (h)air you might say. jacki even said it looked "free" and that was enough to make me question cutting it off. rachel (who has great hair) arrived later and also complimented it saying that it looked "great longer" and that i should keep it long. sigh.

i have tried for years to embrace my natural waves. ryan loves my hair this way and while i want to be, i am not comfortable with the look. i feel like i look disheveled and like i tried too hard to achieve a look i was never going to pull off in the first place. for one, the hair on my left side is straighter than all the rest of my hair which leaves that side looking limp and sad. getting compliments from these younger gals made me question my own opinion. i even thought (to myself - god forbid i tell anyone this) that perhaps gwen could give me a tiny two-roller perm on the left just to make it have a bit more bounce. oy vey. and sigh. sad sigh.

monday, while at the doctor, i saw these two pictures in people magazine. and thought, hey, maybe one of these is the ticket....

sigh. i really don't think i know WHAT i want. therefore, in the spirit of list making, here's what i do know:

1. i like the waves but i don't know how to manage them and i feel like a messy bessy when i have my hair this way.
2. i like having the ability to pull my hair back but that ability also makes me lazy and i wear a ponytail 6 out of 7 days.
3. i wish i had hair that worked with a "get up and go" schedule and still looked good. i have never been good at styling my hair and that is going to be hard to learn to do at 33.
4. i feel like it's necessary to wash my hair every day for it to look nice. this is a pain in the butt.
5. i loved having long, long hair but it's not realistic or practical unless i am prepared to wear it in a ponytail every single day. there is simply too much hair on my head for me to try and blow it out on a daily basis. although...there are the waves. hummmm.
6. i like some blonde around my face but i am really over being "blonde" and loved the color of my hair in the following pictures.

this is how my mind works and i won't bore you any further. i pray to god that gwen reads this post so that she'll know what to do with me next saturday because obviously i haven't a clue. on the other hand, i hope she is still willing to do my hair after reading this confession. sigh.

on the menu

in attempt to be more organized and prepared for meal's around here i am taking a cue from jessica and creating a weekly dinner menu. there is a dry erase board on the side of her refrigerator where she keeps the week's activities. when we have coffee at her place that board is directly in my line of sight. after many cups of coffee i began to notice things like lemon chicken, lasagne, tacos*...listed in the corner of each day. hummmm. was this her menu? i never got around to asking.

last week, after our failed attempt at yoga, we shopped together at wegman's and i finally remembered to ask her. YES! she plans a menu for each week, purchases the food to facilitate that menu and - VIOLA! - dinner.


easy! genius! organized! a list! right up my alley.

the best part about it is that she isn't so rigid that one night's meal couldn't easily be abandoned for sandwiches or take-out leaving yet one less meal that she had to think about for the next week. brilliant!

now this might seem so elementary (and even silly) to some but as i feel my way through my first year as a stay at home mom this was a fantastic realization. i am great about coming up with a meal on the fly but, honestly, it can be somewhat stressful and time consuming. the days that i decide early what we're having for dinner that night are so relaxing. i can prep a bit here and there and clean up as i go.

i absolutely love to cook and this process makes the thought of cooking fun again. i am beginning to realize that cooking a great meal doesn't have to involve 2 hours of prep and fancy ingredients. it can be quick, simple, and semi-homemade (a word i hate but it's applicable) and still be healthy, nourishing and good.

my mother is a good cook. she wouldn't agree but there are many recipes of hers that i use all the time. we ate dinner together as a family every night growing up and the table was the place where we got to know one another, learn about the lives we were leading outside of home and simply be together (and still!) for an hour each day. it is important that wil have that same experience. the ritual of breaking bread, sharing a meal, is in my blood. both my grandmothers were excellent cooks. preparing food for someone was a way of showing them love and, man oh man, did we feel loved!


since wil has come along i have lost my joy for cooking. perhaps it isn't fair to say i've lost the joy as much as i no longer have the time i once had. i used to read cooking light from cover to cover and spend a lot of time talking about food and cooking with my foodie co-workers. ryan and i shared many a sunday making meals together and it was time i cherished. the leisure time we once shared making sri lankan beef curry (our all-time favorite recipe) is time we now share playing with wil. having a baby changes everything.

don't get me wrong...i wouldn't trade playing with wil for a week at the culinary institute. someday we will all prepare meals together and i cannot wait for that day. i simply mean that in having a baby i've focused all my energy on him and put the things that i love doing on the back burner. those things are slowly starting to resurface and it feels good to greet them again and to reintroduce myself to them in a new way.


thanks jess for the inspiration!

*not actual giorgio menu items...or maybe they are. however, in effort to maintain full diclosure i admit to making these up.

heavy

i have always struggled with my weight. i have never been what you'd call "skinny" unless you count once in high school when i went through some emotional stuff that caused me to get "skinny" without really trying. because being skinny was linked with heavier things (no pun intended) i couldn't even enjoy it.

i have long ago come to terms that i am not going to be skinny. for one thing, my body isn't built for it. i've had wide hips, a large bust and thick legs as long as i can remember. for another, the work required to be skinny is work i don't have in me or time for. it's taken me many years to embrace the body i was given and there are many days (like today) that i still struggle. the modern society that we live in is hyper-focused on looks and when you aren't fitting the bill, no matter how much you like all other parts of you, it's a downer. since giving birth i have found more beauty in my body that i ever thought possible. i feel strong and capable and carry myself with confidence...most of the time. when i see myself from the inside out i like what i see. but that's not what i see in the mirror. certainly not today.

when i left on my vacation to texas i had lost almost ten pounds and was about 4 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. in just a mere five weeks i have undone all the good i did and it feels heavy...literally and figuratively. i am bummed. i am ashamed of myself that once again, just as i start to get to a place where i want to be, i let myself down. i know i am too hard on myself....many of us are...

so, that brings me to this. i am not sure why i am confessing this here but i felt compelled to share how i felt because i have received a lot of support from this blog and i suppose i am looking for more. last week jess shared that she'd completed an item on her list by joining a gym. we've been talking and i am going to join the same one so that we can encourage one another. i also did 30 minutes on my treadmill today after getting wil down for a nap and that felt great. what didn't feel great was eating leftover nachos for lunch. ah...one step forward, one step back.

i strive to be healthy and fit and consistent with both. the latter is where the struggle comes. it's been a lifelong struggle and one i hope to conquer - at least improve on - as wil gets older. it's so important to me that i have a healthy lifestyle and am active as a good example to him. so, today it begins. i started again today on my food diary and with exercise. one day at a time. hopefully, in a few months, i'll update you in a much lighter (pun definitely intended) mood.

6 words

today i was flipping through title nine, a catalog i clearly receive because of my surfing abilities, when i came across an interesting message from the company's founder. she said she'd recently read an article about writing your biography in 6 words. she, along with a few of her employees, tried the exercise and came up with some interesting stuff.

as a person who has almost no trouble with words - especially spoken - i found myself scared to attempt to write my own 6 word biography. what a task! i am not easily intimidated by exercises such as these but this one got to me. to describe your life in such a concise way is frightening...what if you leave something out? what if your reader misses the point? what if you don't get the point across? i decided to post this exercise in part to make myself complete it and in part because i am curious to see how your 6 word biography will read. there were a million things i could have written (of course) but i think i got it right. enjoy my 6 word biography and have fun writing your own and check out what others have to say here.

betsy...a biography in six words

love unconditionally. follow through. leave footprints.

it's not easy being green

i am a huge fan of al gore. i was deeply saddened when he "lost" the 2000 presidential election; however, i am not sure the climate would be getting the attention it's been getting if al gore had assumed the presidency, so the trade-off is alright with me.

al was profiled on 60 minutes this past sunday. the focus of the piece was upcoming ad campaign to support the climate project, his non-profit organization focused on "the mission of increasing public awareness of the climate crisis at a grassroots level in the United States and abroad." it was a wonderful piece and highlighted, i thought, just how passionate both al and tipper are about the project. they are giving their own time, talents and treasure as stewards for the environment. it is a subject that i am increasingly passionate about and am even considering trying to become one of the presenters of the climate project at some point in the future. the planet is a gift to us all. although we are under no obligation to protect it there is a responsibility that we have to nuture and care for it. i truly feel that the work al gore, and others like him, is doing is important and relevant. i feel it my responsibility to do what i can to reduce my carbon footprint so that wil and future generations can enjoy the plant as i have.

that's not to say that it's easy. kermit the frog said it best, "it's not easy being green" and how right he was. mom said that when she was here to help us after wil was born that the hardest part of the 5 weeks was not the middle of the night feedings or the constant cooking and cleaning but the RECYCLING i made her do. i laughed when she told me that but i know that she meant it! recycling is only one of several things i have attempted to master over the past few months. i have also cut down on my paper towel use (don't you have 100 dishtowels!? i do!), tried to walk more and drive less, bought and exclusively use sigg water bottles, turn-off the lights when they aren't necessary and am using my own bags at the grocery store. we have changed out a lot of our light bulbs for more energy efficient ones and all of our appliances are energy star rated. yet, i agree with mom, it's hard. the recycling takes up a lot of my time and, quite frankly, the light bulbs that you need to use with recessed lights (of which we have many) are just plain ugly. however, doing the right thing is never easy and i am going to strive to continue to do a little each day to help reduce my impact on the planet. i hope that i can inspire even one other person to do the same. the smallest thing can make a huge impact. just think...if you use a dishtowel every time you want to grab a paper towel not only will you reduce the amount of trees being used to make paper but you will save yourself money in the long run! so give it a try. pull out one of those old tote bags that you never use and replace even one paper or plastic bag next time you head to the store. it'll feel good, i promise! for more green ideas click here and to start small click here!

new jersey sky

one day last week we actually got a taste of spring. at 6p it was almost 70 degrees. wil and i joined lucy outside and let the last sun of the day wash over us. i was looking up at the sky and thought of denise's post "texas skies". inspired by gustavo's picture i took this shot. as i looked up i felt connected with friends and family living far away. knowing that we all share the sky made the world feel a little smaller to me on that day. i am so happy that spring is on the way. it always gives me a much needed sense of renewal.

profession confession

i recently filled out a questionnaire which required me to choose a profession from several listed. i had some doozies to choose from: VP/Exec/CEO (uh, do a lot of people get to check this box), veterinarian (see previous comment), agriculture/mining...what? i anxiously looked for homemaker but it wasn't there. i think self-employed would've applied but that wasn't there either. in case your wondering, the survey was for a subscription to the washington post. i guess there are a lot of CEO veterinarians in west virginia mining towns who read the post. nevertheless it got me thinking about all the careers i've dreamed about over the years. for your amusement (and mine) below is a list of a dozen (of many) things i actually considered GOOD career possibilities. what did you want to be? maybe it's not too late!

I COULD'VE BEEN A CONTENDER...

1) VETERINARIAN (look out washington post...here i come!)
2) olympian (any sport - cycling looked good as i got older & i am still not ruling archery out.)
3) magazine and/or book editor
4) zoologist
5) criminal attorney
6) chef
7) surgeon
8) professor
9) broadway star (emphasis on STAR)
10) radio talk show host (talking is something i have down)
11) artist (specifically drawing/painting. my college art professor assured me this was a pipe dream.)
12) color commentator (actually had a 2 game gig as a color commentator in high school. jeff brown was the play-by-play guy.)

who am i?

in addition to being wil's mom, ryan's wife, lucy's everything and the lady that keeps refilling (and refilling and refilling and refilling) stone & murphy's bowl....who am i? it's a question that keeps rearing it's head lately and, not surprisingly, leads me down a path of introspection.

there is not an answer currently. at least not the answer i am looking for. i am happy being the above mentioned but i am searching for a foothold. i think that is why i have thrown myself (okay, waded) into this blog. i need a creative outlet. i need to express. i am unsure where it will lead and what i'll find myself expressing exactly but maybe it'll be good enough to keep your attention. if not, that's okay...it's really for me anyway. :)

blogged down...

i want to be a good blogger. really...i do! my friend denise is a blogaholic and hard work pays off...check out her hard work! i aspire to be just that good...we'll see.

anyway, welcome to the higgins family blog. we hope you'll enjoy peeping in on us from time to time for a glimpse into the lives of everyone with 2 & 4 legs living inside 126 park avenue! enjoy!