take control of letting go

last night was my first formal art class. the class is called "abstract lyrical expressionism" and if you don't know what that means, you aren't alone, i am right there with you. thankfully the instructor included some names of abstract painters in the email he sent me before class so i had a little clue about what we were going to do. think jackson pollock. i am sure you're familiar with his work - until last night i would've compared it to paint thrown at the wall. i am sure more than once that i've made the comment, "i could do that." much like olivia the pig does at the end of the book, olivia. well, let's be quite clear...there is NOTHING easy about painting like that and that fact came rushing toward me like a speeding train last night at 6:30.

when i arrived at the studio i found what i'd expected. a middle aged teacher and a middle aged classmate. i was the second person there and the minute i hit the door the instructor said, "ah, you must be betsy." i knew, at that point, that i was the unknown in a sea of knowns. all day i'd been fighting nervousness. if you know me at all you know that i can get very nervous before even the most simple of new things. i was proud of myself yesterday because throughout the day i'd managed to quell those feelings instead of letting them take me over. jim, our instructor, helped me to get my easel set up, and then told me to paint. i said, "paint what?" and he instructed me to just start painting. he wanted to see how i put the paint on the canvas. tough. it was the hardest thing i've ever done. i felt exposed and i felt extremely emotional. i became very self-aware and had some quick self-realization. i am uptight. i like things just so. i thought maybe i was lose in more areas than tight but i am tight. i like control. i like a plan, a script to follow and i like to follow it to the best of my ability. i think i knew that i was a little like that but before last night i would've described myself as loose, go-with-the-flow, adaptable, spontaneous. i felt so emotional. i thought at one point that tears were going to burst forth from me, not because of what i couldn't do, but because of the stress of realizing that i am maybe not exactly who i thought i was.

then something amazing happened. i refused to cry. i refused to give in to that part of me and i silently prayed that the other part of me, the one i know is there maybe just smaller and hidden, would come forth. i joked with jim, "i think i am more uptight than i realized." he laughed. he said, "well, you've been here all of 20 minutes." and in that moment i thought, "yes, i've been here 20 minutes. i've never done this before. this is my chance to learn to let go." and i did. and i throughly enjoyed myself. i painted for two straight hours and with jim's help i think i made quite a bit of progress. he never praised me (something, let's face it, we all seek) but he never talked down to me either. he said that he was impressed that i hadn't made "a muddy mess" like most people do in the beginning. the woman painting next to me said that she could've never produced what i did on the first try. i laughed and said, "it'll get there."

i came home and....cried. you knew it had to come eventually, it's still ME. but it didn't last long and i showed ryan what i'd done and he hugged me and i felt good. this is going to be a challenge for me. a challenge different than the one i expected and that's a wonderful thing. i cannot wait to see what i produce and i am excited that in being creative that i might learn not just about myself but about letting go a little too.

here's the work in progress. it can take 3 weeks to finish a painting so it will evolve. i love the way it is now but am not sad about it changing either. (wow! watch me grow!) i know it will become better and better.


and now for some funny stories from last night:

1) the instructor was born in texas to military parents and left soon after he was born. he seemed to tell me that last part with total relief in his voice. like, "thank GOD we didn't stay THERE...." hilarious.

2) the median age of my classmates is probably still older than me by a few years and i love it.

3) the woman i painted next to, mercedes, exclaimed upon arrival "i brought muuuuusic!" she didn't say it very loud and i am not sure anyone but me heard her or cared. perhaps she's brings muuuuusic everytime. i glanced over and saw a taylor swift cd. i thought to make some witty remark about the kanye/swift debacle of the night before but decided it would be lost on her. you can imagine my surprise when the first song started and it wasn't a sweet, young singer/songwriter but dance club music. i looked over again and saw that she'd chosen "DANCE: HOT CLUB HITS" as our first selection. she knew every word to every song and i had to choke back laughter a few times. we eventually got to taylor swift who really, isn't so bad.

4) and finally, the best of the night came from ryan. when i showed him the painting he said, "what is it? a man?" and he was DEAD SERIOUS, trying to be supportive. i laughed and laughed. he couldn't get that we'd really painted NOTHING either so i had to bring him to the computer and show him some examples to drive the point home. absolutely, abstractly, hilarious.