finished

so, it took me three classes and some work at home but i finished it, my very first abstract painting. i had a major breakthrough last night. i saw what i should be doing, how i should go about it and, perhaps more importantly, what i should NOT be doing. i love the teacher. i have learned so much without even knowing it was happening. i love the one-on-one teaching style of the class. my comments last night ranged from "this is very sophisticated" to "you should be very pleased. this is very good." i was so happy when he walked by and said, "i think you are finished, let's take it to the gallery to look under the good lights" that i almost skipped behind him. i was elated and overjoyed. i love the painting and will have a hard time parting with it, although in my head it was always to be given away as a gift to renee. i love it not so much because of how it looks (that too) but because of what happened to me throughout the process. i learned to let go (a little), i learned to get rough (somewhat), and i learned that the messier something looks (sometimes) the more RIGHT it actually feels. although i am still unsure which direction it should go i know i will figure that out in time. and if i do say so myself, the pictures do not do it justice. what an experience!

here's a look back:

after the first night

after the second night

after the second class i worked at home...and thought it was finished

the finished product

the finished product turned upside down

take control of letting go

last night was my first formal art class. the class is called "abstract lyrical expressionism" and if you don't know what that means, you aren't alone, i am right there with you. thankfully the instructor included some names of abstract painters in the email he sent me before class so i had a little clue about what we were going to do. think jackson pollock. i am sure you're familiar with his work - until last night i would've compared it to paint thrown at the wall. i am sure more than once that i've made the comment, "i could do that." much like olivia the pig does at the end of the book, olivia. well, let's be quite clear...there is NOTHING easy about painting like that and that fact came rushing toward me like a speeding train last night at 6:30.

when i arrived at the studio i found what i'd expected. a middle aged teacher and a middle aged classmate. i was the second person there and the minute i hit the door the instructor said, "ah, you must be betsy." i knew, at that point, that i was the unknown in a sea of knowns. all day i'd been fighting nervousness. if you know me at all you know that i can get very nervous before even the most simple of new things. i was proud of myself yesterday because throughout the day i'd managed to quell those feelings instead of letting them take me over. jim, our instructor, helped me to get my easel set up, and then told me to paint. i said, "paint what?" and he instructed me to just start painting. he wanted to see how i put the paint on the canvas. tough. it was the hardest thing i've ever done. i felt exposed and i felt extremely emotional. i became very self-aware and had some quick self-realization. i am uptight. i like things just so. i thought maybe i was lose in more areas than tight but i am tight. i like control. i like a plan, a script to follow and i like to follow it to the best of my ability. i think i knew that i was a little like that but before last night i would've described myself as loose, go-with-the-flow, adaptable, spontaneous. i felt so emotional. i thought at one point that tears were going to burst forth from me, not because of what i couldn't do, but because of the stress of realizing that i am maybe not exactly who i thought i was.

then something amazing happened. i refused to cry. i refused to give in to that part of me and i silently prayed that the other part of me, the one i know is there maybe just smaller and hidden, would come forth. i joked with jim, "i think i am more uptight than i realized." he laughed. he said, "well, you've been here all of 20 minutes." and in that moment i thought, "yes, i've been here 20 minutes. i've never done this before. this is my chance to learn to let go." and i did. and i throughly enjoyed myself. i painted for two straight hours and with jim's help i think i made quite a bit of progress. he never praised me (something, let's face it, we all seek) but he never talked down to me either. he said that he was impressed that i hadn't made "a muddy mess" like most people do in the beginning. the woman painting next to me said that she could've never produced what i did on the first try. i laughed and said, "it'll get there."

i came home and....cried. you knew it had to come eventually, it's still ME. but it didn't last long and i showed ryan what i'd done and he hugged me and i felt good. this is going to be a challenge for me. a challenge different than the one i expected and that's a wonderful thing. i cannot wait to see what i produce and i am excited that in being creative that i might learn not just about myself but about letting go a little too.

here's the work in progress. it can take 3 weeks to finish a painting so it will evolve. i love the way it is now but am not sad about it changing either. (wow! watch me grow!) i know it will become better and better.


and now for some funny stories from last night:

1) the instructor was born in texas to military parents and left soon after he was born. he seemed to tell me that last part with total relief in his voice. like, "thank GOD we didn't stay THERE...." hilarious.

2) the median age of my classmates is probably still older than me by a few years and i love it.

3) the woman i painted next to, mercedes, exclaimed upon arrival "i brought muuuuusic!" she didn't say it very loud and i am not sure anyone but me heard her or cared. perhaps she's brings muuuuusic everytime. i glanced over and saw a taylor swift cd. i thought to make some witty remark about the kanye/swift debacle of the night before but decided it would be lost on her. you can imagine my surprise when the first song started and it wasn't a sweet, young singer/songwriter but dance club music. i looked over again and saw that she'd chosen "DANCE: HOT CLUB HITS" as our first selection. she knew every word to every song and i had to choke back laughter a few times. we eventually got to taylor swift who really, isn't so bad.

4) and finally, the best of the night came from ryan. when i showed him the painting he said, "what is it? a man?" and he was DEAD SERIOUS, trying to be supportive. i laughed and laughed. he couldn't get that we'd really painted NOTHING either so i had to bring him to the computer and show him some examples to drive the point home. absolutely, abstractly, hilarious.

all by myself

i finally decided to finish my second painting. as i am learning with this medium you could go on and on forever, working and reworking until you can't even see. (i am also guilty of this in writing, cleaning, and loving.) so yesterday, i decided to call it quits and am cautiously proud of the result.

there are a few places that glare at me each time i look at it, calling out to be fixed, but i am leaving it alone. naturally, i gave it to ryan who is always my biggest fan. i called it "pier" (fantastically creative) and below is the way it started and where it finished. on advice from renee i used magazine and internet images initially, but in the end really relied on my own senses. the photo doesn't really do it justice but you get the idea.

this looks hilarious to me...i laugh each time i see it...it's awful

final product: pier, 2009

are you ready for some football?

apparently wil caught wind that it's football season in america. he clearly doesn't remember that i want him to be a baseball player. a first act of defiance. however, i suppose we rarely become the lawyers, doctors, or lion tamers our parents dream we'll be. i'd like to think that most of the time we become so much more.

go team!

fall into creativity

i think the dip in temperature caused a rise in my creativity. i want to be creative everyday. i miss the blog, miss writing. i am glad to be back.

i am painting now too - the second one started all on my own. it's ugly but i haven't gotten frustrated and that is a victory for me. i am also starting a painting class monday evening at the local artists guild of which i am now a member. taking a class was on my list and i cut it pretty close but i got it in before i turn 35 in two weeks.

i am also supporting creative people by buying gifts almost exclusively from etsy.com. if you do not know of etsy, take a minute to check it out. i would almost dare you not to become lost for hours searching for fun things. there are some extremely elementary things on the site but mostly it's filled with great art of all mediums done by really talented artists and crafters around the world.

i am cooking more, too, inspired by the cooler weather and this season of Top Chef. i made this mediterranean harvest gratin last night to accompany fillets for our anniversary and it was amazing.

i am listening to more music, watching more movies and reading more books. i recommend "into the light: john mayer live in LA," "once," and "run" by ann pachette.

where did all this time come from? what was i doing with it before? i am still playing with willie, still walking with lucy, still hitting the gym and finding time to shower. maybe it's not for me to question...just enjoy. i think i can do just that.

with that in mind, enjoy this amazing video i stumbled upon. i cannot get enough of it - creativity knows no bounds. just open your mind and your eyes.

Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

Michael Vick divides a nation | Dog Time

Michael Vick divides a nation | Dog Time


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building fences

we managed to mark two things off the list this weekend, host a BBQ with the giorgio family and get some family photos taken by a professional photog. whew.

i must hand it to ryan. he has not been psyched about the prospect of building a fence around the shed. when i first came up with the idea he loved it...the IDEA...but knew that most of the work would fall on him. every weekend we've talked about getting it done but either one or the other of us pushes it off. it was one of my summer "must haves" but ryan had more of a "someday that would be great" approach. our yard looks so good now that i felt like the unsightly area around the shed detracted from everything. plus, ryan wants to build himself a new workbench and that wasn't going to happen until the old one became my potting table...beside the shed. making it more unsightly. sigh. so finally, FINALLY, we did it. we bought the fence panels sunday morning and from 10-2 we built the fence. we worked well together and i am so pleased with the results that i keep going outside to look at it. it is perfect and exactly the way i imagined it - maybe better! now i will be able to have an area for potting and will finally get a compost bin. thank you, ryan, for doing this project. i know that it was at the bottom of your list and you moved it to the top for me. i love you.

before

after

as you can see we also got the hammock and we relaxed there after our photo shoot. in fact, i think it's where i'm headed now. happy june!

18 months

tomorrow master wilkes james higgins will turn an unbelievable 18 months old. i cannot believe the little person i see before me and i go through my days feeling both awestruck and terrified. he's a full fledged toddler now and i would be lying if i said i was prepared for what having a toddler truly meant. i hardly need to describe to any of you what having a toddler is like but in the interest of "putting it on the record" i am going to try to describe what our toddler is like these days.
he's part whirling dervish, part tasmanian devil. he has a great sense of humor and a frightening temper. he can make you laugh until your sides ache and in the next moment bring you to tears. he is insanely clever and seemingly brilliant but at times even the most basic of tasks cause him great angst. there are moments when he shows great initiative and moments when he seems to be the laziest person on the planet. he is growing too fast. so fast, in fact, that there are days when i think his whole life will pass me by without my noticing every last detail. he adores his father, lucy, stone, murphy, paco, yogurt, anything that crunches, raisins, the outdoors, water, sandwiches of all kinds, hats, music and elmo. he gives great hugs and seems to have an infinite supply. he is getting to know himself and is able to assert his likes and dislikes stronger, at times, than i am capable of handling.

we go to school now and he is thriving there. i've chosen an introductory montessori program where we both participate and i have been thrilled with the results. it has been fascinating to observe him with other children and to see him settle in to the routines of the classroom. his teacher called him "sweet" and said that he was one of the "kindest" children she's seen. (although lucy or his classmate jack might disagree after taking a punch or two to the head.) i have referred to him in my class observation journal as the "little observer." i can only hope that his observation skills, combined with his natural curiosity, will lead him down great paths.


he can throw a ball, help set the table, put his clothes in the hamper and "walk" lucy around the block (closely supervised). he loves to "help" and get in on the action. his hair is getting thicker and it's strawberry blonde tones remind of ryan's mom and her great red hair. he is still a big kid but his body fits him and he is learning to manipulate it in ways that delight us and make us laugh. he says only a handful of words but continues to chatter constantly. truth be told, on occasion i have worried that he is not saying enough words but i try not to let the worry get away from me. i know that one day he'll wake up talking, really talking, and i'll long for the incomprehensible babble of today.

i love him more than i ever thought possible. i try not to get so caught up in shuffling him from here to there that i take him for granted. he is seriously a wonder and it rocks me to the core that i am responsible for creating him and giving him life. now, more than ever, i want to hold on to who he is, although at the same time i cannot wait to see who he will become. he is my best buddy, my constant companion and one of my greatest achievements. and even during those times that he drives me so nuts i consider drop kicking him, it only takes one flash of his megawatt smile to bring me to my knees.

he is a joy, a miracle, a flash of light; the personification of goodness, humor and love...and he is ours. our gratitude and pride are without measure. happy 18 months little wil. i love you.