heavy

i have always struggled with my weight. i have never been what you'd call "skinny" unless you count once in high school when i went through some emotional stuff that caused me to get "skinny" without really trying. because being skinny was linked with heavier things (no pun intended) i couldn't even enjoy it.

i have long ago come to terms that i am not going to be skinny. for one thing, my body isn't built for it. i've had wide hips, a large bust and thick legs as long as i can remember. for another, the work required to be skinny is work i don't have in me or time for. it's taken me many years to embrace the body i was given and there are many days (like today) that i still struggle. the modern society that we live in is hyper-focused on looks and when you aren't fitting the bill, no matter how much you like all other parts of you, it's a downer. since giving birth i have found more beauty in my body that i ever thought possible. i feel strong and capable and carry myself with confidence...most of the time. when i see myself from the inside out i like what i see. but that's not what i see in the mirror. certainly not today.

when i left on my vacation to texas i had lost almost ten pounds and was about 4 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. in just a mere five weeks i have undone all the good i did and it feels heavy...literally and figuratively. i am bummed. i am ashamed of myself that once again, just as i start to get to a place where i want to be, i let myself down. i know i am too hard on myself....many of us are...

so, that brings me to this. i am not sure why i am confessing this here but i felt compelled to share how i felt because i have received a lot of support from this blog and i suppose i am looking for more. last week jess shared that she'd completed an item on her list by joining a gym. we've been talking and i am going to join the same one so that we can encourage one another. i also did 30 minutes on my treadmill today after getting wil down for a nap and that felt great. what didn't feel great was eating leftover nachos for lunch. ah...one step forward, one step back.

i strive to be healthy and fit and consistent with both. the latter is where the struggle comes. it's been a lifelong struggle and one i hope to conquer - at least improve on - as wil gets older. it's so important to me that i have a healthy lifestyle and am active as a good example to him. so, today it begins. i started again today on my food diary and with exercise. one day at a time. hopefully, in a few months, i'll update you in a much lighter (pun definitely intended) mood.

12.

with a yard as large as ours i knew i had to find space to try and grow some vegetables. i have always hoped that i would grow a green thumb. i have tried container gardening over the years (mainly flowers & one tomato plant that yielded zero tomatoes) and love the feeling you get from putting your hands in the dirt and planting something beautiful.

when the landscaper came to redo our lawn this spring i asked him to leave me a small plot for a garden. he left me a small round mound where i planted jalepeno, 3 types of tomatoes, zucchini, rosemary, basil and lemon verbena. it's coming along quite nicely and i am already planning to do it bigger and better next year with the knowledge i've gained this year.

the original plants, may 2008

i have some jalepenos that are ready to pick, some tomatoes that are coming along and i was able to use a few sprigs of basil before the rabbits got to it. the lemon verbena is beautiful and fragrant and i am hopeful that zucchini flowers will give us a few zucchini.

the plants today - july 2008

jalepenos

tomatoes

gardening is good for the soul. being outside and getting your hands in the dirt makes you feel good, a part of something bigger. i am so glad i thought to put it on my list.

19. & 31.

last night jess and i went to see john mayer and colbie caillat at the pnc arts center. it was, in every way, the perfect night.

a few weeks ago i was driving by the pnc and the sign quickly flashed that john was going to be there on the 15th. jess told me a few months ago that he was coming and suggested we go but we'd never discussed it any further. i went home that afternoon, got on stubhub and 3 days later we had tickets. i surprised jess with the news at the party on the 5th and she got so excited that i actually got chills! tickets to an outdoor summer concert was the perfect gift to give for simply no reason at all!

first up...falafel wraps, dolma and hummus from zaitooni, a fantastic lebanese deli in red bank. the food was great and we enjoyed it in the comfort of our AC'd car while watching the younger crowd ramble around the parking lot. i told jess that we could tailgate but that we'd have to shift the stroller, diaper bag and potterybarn kids box around to make room. we decided the front seat was just fine.

up next...a beer for me and wine for jess. we found our seats and, WOW, were they great. we sat right next to the sound booth in the dead center of the stage. we were on the front row of our section with seats on the aisle. PERFECT! we chatted with an odd older couple next to us who were HUGE john mayer fans and had seen him the year before from the lawn. they assured us that the seats we had were much better. we chatted and laughed while doing some great people watching...you wouldn't believe the varied crowed john mayer draws. well, then again, you probably would. we were most confused by two people in their 50s or 60s who looked like they come straight from africa to see the show. music knows no boundaries!

colbie caillat was up first and she was amazing. i first learned of colbie from listening to the singer/songwriter channel on sirius. jess had heard her too and lent me her cd. she is an amazing singer/songwriter from california with a beautiful voice, a mellow sound and she put out a damn good album. the songs are beautifully written and her voice rich voice accompanies them perfectly. you might've heard her songs bubbly or realize on the radio. the entire album, coco, is fantastic and worth a listen. she was great in concert (not just a studio voice) and did a fun rendition of the jackson 5's one more chance.

after she finished we took a bathroom break. i saw the realtor that sold us our house get busted going into the men's room and i shouted out, "barb, what the hell????" the security guy that was taking her out of the men's room dropped her off with me and we had one heck of a laugh. i cannot believe that i saw someone i knew at a concert in NJ...a place i have lived for only one year. small world.

john mayer...what can i say? he started with springsteen's i'm on fire (i gave a mental shout out to rita during this song!) which was a nice way to greet the fans of NJ. the crowd went wild and never stopped. he was absolutely awesome (highlights for me: tom petty's free fallin', gravity & say) and brought the house down for 2 hours. jess and i sang every word and laughed and hugged and danced our way through the show. it was, as jess said, a spiritual experience.

jess...you were a great date. i'd do it again with you anytime. thanks for a great time...my side still aches from all the laughing. if you'd like to see more pictures of our night...click here.

comin' through

the kid is on the move. it is both fantastic and frightening. overnight he's gone from slowly inching to pulling himself around at top speeds. as of now he's honed in on stone (who, let's face it, is slow) as the perfect pawn for a game of tag. up next...gates & storage for all things living at the lower levels. enjoy the show!

1st annual higgins hoopla

the first annual higgins 4th of july hoopla took place 10 days ago. it seems like ages ago and though we had a fabulous time i am afraid my retelling of it will not be quite as good as the bacchanal it's been built up to be.

as with any good party the picture above is only picture taken of the beginning. i had my camera out and really, really meant to take at least one picture of every guest as they arrived and some of everyone enjoying the music, the food and the lawn games. however, it just didn't happen. when you are the host taking photos is the last thing you feel that you can devote time to. afterall, there are drinks to be refilled, people to introduce and napkins to fetch. in fact, the only photos there are of the whole event are few and far between and 95% of those are of kyle. (i'll let jess explain that one.) you'll just have to take my word for it...it was a F-U-N day.

we had about 30 people in all. family, NJ friends and PA friends all joined together to make it a great day. we played boccie ball, polish horseshoes (i think ryan's cousins dan & joey invented this) and cornhole. cornhole, the most in demand game of the day, is so much fun that i plan on having ryan build us our very own cornhole platform. tia and rob (both super competitive and wearing sox & yankees hats respectively) held their position on the cornhole field for what seemed like hours. in fact, i think they won so many times that participation rates began dropping!!!

my dad manned the grill with great expertise and everyone chowed down on burgers and brats, keilbasa, chips, and pasta salads until there was almost nothing left. after all the eating was done lucy combed every square inch of the lawn for lost tidbits and might've even been successful a few times.

as night drew closer the real fun began. we made kyle, lindsey's man, repeat some stories he'd told us about a coach he once worked with that sounded like a real character. shawn mckinney tried an unsuccessful sail from wil's swing to the roof of our house (see video below). shawn & tia supplied the moonshine (yes, you read correctly, real moonshine from the hills of kentucky: peach, apple pie and regular, aka turpentine) and we passed it around until it was gone. everyone except my mom who had hers in a glass like wine. classy.

listening to kyle tell a story

tia breaks it down

lou & kyle

we had a wonderful time. there was so much laughter that it made your sides ache. it was the first really great time of our summer and we are so grateful to everyone that came to help us relax, recover and celebrate life.

celebrating life (emily...this one's for you)

disclaimer: i hope this post hasn't been disappointing for those of you excepting to hear sorted details of a sordid night! i confess that i am tired and still recovering from almost 2 weeks of fun and i wanted to get it out there. if this story bored you...let your imagination run wild...chances are you'll probably find the truth in there somewhere.

oh, and yes, there WAS an RV parked out front all weekend. so, that adds a little mystery don't you think.

worth the wait

i realize several of you are waiting for me to post on the higgins hoopla and it's coming...it really is...just as soon as i have time to sit down and write it.

so, stay tuned....it'll be worth the wait.

8.8.08

to the person who voted "i have no idea what we are talking about" in my recent olympic poll...IDENTIFY YOURSELF (please) and explain why you will not be glued to the olympics. i am perplexed.

independence

ah independence. sweet stuff. jess is reminding us all to celebrate for the right reasons so with that base covered i am going to take a different slant on things.

for the first time in 6 weeks lucy is INDEPENDENT of her cast. her leg looks gnarls barkley gnarley and she is going to have a couple of cool scars to take to show and tell. the doc says she's 75% healed and is thrilled with her progress. up next...longer walks (15 minutes) twice a day and a final check in three weeks. woo hoo! i feel thrilled for her but more so for us that we don't have to wrap her leg up every time she needs to go out. let freedom ring!

here is our gal lucy with one of her surgeons (notice how YOUNG she is....could've/should've been me) after getting the cast off. lucy is looking asian for reasons unknown.

from the higgins house to yours....happy 4th! celebrate freedom and all it means. and jess is right - think especially about those who fight to give it to us.

PS: GO SOX!!!