finished

so, it took me three classes and some work at home but i finished it, my very first abstract painting. i had a major breakthrough last night. i saw what i should be doing, how i should go about it and, perhaps more importantly, what i should NOT be doing. i love the teacher. i have learned so much without even knowing it was happening. i love the one-on-one teaching style of the class. my comments last night ranged from "this is very sophisticated" to "you should be very pleased. this is very good." i was so happy when he walked by and said, "i think you are finished, let's take it to the gallery to look under the good lights" that i almost skipped behind him. i was elated and overjoyed. i love the painting and will have a hard time parting with it, although in my head it was always to be given away as a gift to renee. i love it not so much because of how it looks (that too) but because of what happened to me throughout the process. i learned to let go (a little), i learned to get rough (somewhat), and i learned that the messier something looks (sometimes) the more RIGHT it actually feels. although i am still unsure which direction it should go i know i will figure that out in time. and if i do say so myself, the pictures do not do it justice. what an experience!

here's a look back:

after the first night

after the second night

after the second class i worked at home...and thought it was finished

the finished product

the finished product turned upside down

take control of letting go

last night was my first formal art class. the class is called "abstract lyrical expressionism" and if you don't know what that means, you aren't alone, i am right there with you. thankfully the instructor included some names of abstract painters in the email he sent me before class so i had a little clue about what we were going to do. think jackson pollock. i am sure you're familiar with his work - until last night i would've compared it to paint thrown at the wall. i am sure more than once that i've made the comment, "i could do that." much like olivia the pig does at the end of the book, olivia. well, let's be quite clear...there is NOTHING easy about painting like that and that fact came rushing toward me like a speeding train last night at 6:30.

when i arrived at the studio i found what i'd expected. a middle aged teacher and a middle aged classmate. i was the second person there and the minute i hit the door the instructor said, "ah, you must be betsy." i knew, at that point, that i was the unknown in a sea of knowns. all day i'd been fighting nervousness. if you know me at all you know that i can get very nervous before even the most simple of new things. i was proud of myself yesterday because throughout the day i'd managed to quell those feelings instead of letting them take me over. jim, our instructor, helped me to get my easel set up, and then told me to paint. i said, "paint what?" and he instructed me to just start painting. he wanted to see how i put the paint on the canvas. tough. it was the hardest thing i've ever done. i felt exposed and i felt extremely emotional. i became very self-aware and had some quick self-realization. i am uptight. i like things just so. i thought maybe i was lose in more areas than tight but i am tight. i like control. i like a plan, a script to follow and i like to follow it to the best of my ability. i think i knew that i was a little like that but before last night i would've described myself as loose, go-with-the-flow, adaptable, spontaneous. i felt so emotional. i thought at one point that tears were going to burst forth from me, not because of what i couldn't do, but because of the stress of realizing that i am maybe not exactly who i thought i was.

then something amazing happened. i refused to cry. i refused to give in to that part of me and i silently prayed that the other part of me, the one i know is there maybe just smaller and hidden, would come forth. i joked with jim, "i think i am more uptight than i realized." he laughed. he said, "well, you've been here all of 20 minutes." and in that moment i thought, "yes, i've been here 20 minutes. i've never done this before. this is my chance to learn to let go." and i did. and i throughly enjoyed myself. i painted for two straight hours and with jim's help i think i made quite a bit of progress. he never praised me (something, let's face it, we all seek) but he never talked down to me either. he said that he was impressed that i hadn't made "a muddy mess" like most people do in the beginning. the woman painting next to me said that she could've never produced what i did on the first try. i laughed and said, "it'll get there."

i came home and....cried. you knew it had to come eventually, it's still ME. but it didn't last long and i showed ryan what i'd done and he hugged me and i felt good. this is going to be a challenge for me. a challenge different than the one i expected and that's a wonderful thing. i cannot wait to see what i produce and i am excited that in being creative that i might learn not just about myself but about letting go a little too.

here's the work in progress. it can take 3 weeks to finish a painting so it will evolve. i love the way it is now but am not sad about it changing either. (wow! watch me grow!) i know it will become better and better.


and now for some funny stories from last night:

1) the instructor was born in texas to military parents and left soon after he was born. he seemed to tell me that last part with total relief in his voice. like, "thank GOD we didn't stay THERE...." hilarious.

2) the median age of my classmates is probably still older than me by a few years and i love it.

3) the woman i painted next to, mercedes, exclaimed upon arrival "i brought muuuuusic!" she didn't say it very loud and i am not sure anyone but me heard her or cared. perhaps she's brings muuuuusic everytime. i glanced over and saw a taylor swift cd. i thought to make some witty remark about the kanye/swift debacle of the night before but decided it would be lost on her. you can imagine my surprise when the first song started and it wasn't a sweet, young singer/songwriter but dance club music. i looked over again and saw that she'd chosen "DANCE: HOT CLUB HITS" as our first selection. she knew every word to every song and i had to choke back laughter a few times. we eventually got to taylor swift who really, isn't so bad.

4) and finally, the best of the night came from ryan. when i showed him the painting he said, "what is it? a man?" and he was DEAD SERIOUS, trying to be supportive. i laughed and laughed. he couldn't get that we'd really painted NOTHING either so i had to bring him to the computer and show him some examples to drive the point home. absolutely, abstractly, hilarious.

all by myself

i finally decided to finish my second painting. as i am learning with this medium you could go on and on forever, working and reworking until you can't even see. (i am also guilty of this in writing, cleaning, and loving.) so yesterday, i decided to call it quits and am cautiously proud of the result.

there are a few places that glare at me each time i look at it, calling out to be fixed, but i am leaving it alone. naturally, i gave it to ryan who is always my biggest fan. i called it "pier" (fantastically creative) and below is the way it started and where it finished. on advice from renee i used magazine and internet images initially, but in the end really relied on my own senses. the photo doesn't really do it justice but you get the idea.

this looks hilarious to me...i laugh each time i see it...it's awful

final product: pier, 2009

are you ready for some football?

apparently wil caught wind that it's football season in america. he clearly doesn't remember that i want him to be a baseball player. a first act of defiance. however, i suppose we rarely become the lawyers, doctors, or lion tamers our parents dream we'll be. i'd like to think that most of the time we become so much more.

go team!

fall into creativity

i think the dip in temperature caused a rise in my creativity. i want to be creative everyday. i miss the blog, miss writing. i am glad to be back.

i am painting now too - the second one started all on my own. it's ugly but i haven't gotten frustrated and that is a victory for me. i am also starting a painting class monday evening at the local artists guild of which i am now a member. taking a class was on my list and i cut it pretty close but i got it in before i turn 35 in two weeks.

i am also supporting creative people by buying gifts almost exclusively from etsy.com. if you do not know of etsy, take a minute to check it out. i would almost dare you not to become lost for hours searching for fun things. there are some extremely elementary things on the site but mostly it's filled with great art of all mediums done by really talented artists and crafters around the world.

i am cooking more, too, inspired by the cooler weather and this season of Top Chef. i made this mediterranean harvest gratin last night to accompany fillets for our anniversary and it was amazing.

i am listening to more music, watching more movies and reading more books. i recommend "into the light: john mayer live in LA," "once," and "run" by ann pachette.

where did all this time come from? what was i doing with it before? i am still playing with willie, still walking with lucy, still hitting the gym and finding time to shower. maybe it's not for me to question...just enjoy. i think i can do just that.

with that in mind, enjoy this amazing video i stumbled upon. i cannot get enough of it - creativity knows no bounds. just open your mind and your eyes.

Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

Michael Vick divides a nation | Dog Time

Michael Vick divides a nation | Dog Time


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building fences

we managed to mark two things off the list this weekend, host a BBQ with the giorgio family and get some family photos taken by a professional photog. whew.

i must hand it to ryan. he has not been psyched about the prospect of building a fence around the shed. when i first came up with the idea he loved it...the IDEA...but knew that most of the work would fall on him. every weekend we've talked about getting it done but either one or the other of us pushes it off. it was one of my summer "must haves" but ryan had more of a "someday that would be great" approach. our yard looks so good now that i felt like the unsightly area around the shed detracted from everything. plus, ryan wants to build himself a new workbench and that wasn't going to happen until the old one became my potting table...beside the shed. making it more unsightly. sigh. so finally, FINALLY, we did it. we bought the fence panels sunday morning and from 10-2 we built the fence. we worked well together and i am so pleased with the results that i keep going outside to look at it. it is perfect and exactly the way i imagined it - maybe better! now i will be able to have an area for potting and will finally get a compost bin. thank you, ryan, for doing this project. i know that it was at the bottom of your list and you moved it to the top for me. i love you.

before

after

as you can see we also got the hammock and we relaxed there after our photo shoot. in fact, i think it's where i'm headed now. happy june!

18 months

tomorrow master wilkes james higgins will turn an unbelievable 18 months old. i cannot believe the little person i see before me and i go through my days feeling both awestruck and terrified. he's a full fledged toddler now and i would be lying if i said i was prepared for what having a toddler truly meant. i hardly need to describe to any of you what having a toddler is like but in the interest of "putting it on the record" i am going to try to describe what our toddler is like these days.
he's part whirling dervish, part tasmanian devil. he has a great sense of humor and a frightening temper. he can make you laugh until your sides ache and in the next moment bring you to tears. he is insanely clever and seemingly brilliant but at times even the most basic of tasks cause him great angst. there are moments when he shows great initiative and moments when he seems to be the laziest person on the planet. he is growing too fast. so fast, in fact, that there are days when i think his whole life will pass me by without my noticing every last detail. he adores his father, lucy, stone, murphy, paco, yogurt, anything that crunches, raisins, the outdoors, water, sandwiches of all kinds, hats, music and elmo. he gives great hugs and seems to have an infinite supply. he is getting to know himself and is able to assert his likes and dislikes stronger, at times, than i am capable of handling.

we go to school now and he is thriving there. i've chosen an introductory montessori program where we both participate and i have been thrilled with the results. it has been fascinating to observe him with other children and to see him settle in to the routines of the classroom. his teacher called him "sweet" and said that he was one of the "kindest" children she's seen. (although lucy or his classmate jack might disagree after taking a punch or two to the head.) i have referred to him in my class observation journal as the "little observer." i can only hope that his observation skills, combined with his natural curiosity, will lead him down great paths.


he can throw a ball, help set the table, put his clothes in the hamper and "walk" lucy around the block (closely supervised). he loves to "help" and get in on the action. his hair is getting thicker and it's strawberry blonde tones remind of ryan's mom and her great red hair. he is still a big kid but his body fits him and he is learning to manipulate it in ways that delight us and make us laugh. he says only a handful of words but continues to chatter constantly. truth be told, on occasion i have worried that he is not saying enough words but i try not to let the worry get away from me. i know that one day he'll wake up talking, really talking, and i'll long for the incomprehensible babble of today.

i love him more than i ever thought possible. i try not to get so caught up in shuffling him from here to there that i take him for granted. he is seriously a wonder and it rocks me to the core that i am responsible for creating him and giving him life. now, more than ever, i want to hold on to who he is, although at the same time i cannot wait to see who he will become. he is my best buddy, my constant companion and one of my greatest achievements. and even during those times that he drives me so nuts i consider drop kicking him, it only takes one flash of his megawatt smile to bring me to my knees.

he is a joy, a miracle, a flash of light; the personification of goodness, humor and love...and he is ours. our gratitude and pride are without measure. happy 18 months little wil. i love you.

the great outdoors

i suspect that you're shocked to see me posting again. if you haven't completely written me off, maybe you even wonder where i've been. i wish i could tell you that i'd been sunning in st. john (uh hum) or something like that but i've been working my tail off outside. we are so proud of the way our house has changed over the last two years. we have worked so hard to make both inside and outside reflect how grateful we are to live in such a wonderful place. we take a lot of pride in our home and i believe it shows.

over the last month we have marked a ton of projects off what started out as a LONG to-do list (and i won't even bore you with the inside list)...there is a short project list that still remains but we've made amazing headway. so far we've:

• completely redone our front porch (stripped, sanded, refinished and painted the floors, railings and columns)
  
• cut down trees and ripped out an entire section of a huge flower bed that was ugly and served no purpose (i am sorry i do not have a good "before" picture of this area. it was hideous and the transformation is amazing)
  
• moved 35 cubic yards of mulch into all of our flower beds and the new playgroud we made for wil
• created a new playground area for wil that we have big dreams for
  
• painted the shed
• weeded and cleared out all dead brush
• planted all flower pots, window boxes and placed some new plants in the ground
• cleaned all gutters (thanks ry...it was a gross job)

we've done it all ourselves and it's felt great. we have worked every night after wil has gone to bed and i have worked through every nap. we feel great about what we've accomplished and we cannot wait to see it all complete. still on the list:

• ryan is installing a fence on two sides of our shed giving me a private potting area, plus storage that will be out of site (not to mention...OUT OF SIIIIIIIIIIGHT & DY-NO-MITE!)
  
• a bluestone landing in front of the shed and a pathway to the potting area gate
• powerwash the house (blah)
• make the tire fort and tire sandbox
• buy and hang a hammock (on the wishlist...not necessarily the to-do list)
  

i feel like i have accomplished amazing things and working with ryan has been so much fun. we've high fived more than i care to admit, had some good laughs and really worked as a team to achieve all of these things. the best thing is this: we did it all while managing to find time to hang out with friends, play with wil and get in a few dates. hard work is good for the soul...it has been great for mine.

enjoy this photo gallery of then and now.

new avenue

I am attempting to blog via text and email...ie: yes, I am addicted to
my iPhone.

Sent from my iPhone

Be afraid. Be very afraid. I am attempting to mobile blog.

persistence pays

when i went to summer camp as a young girl one of the "secret" mottoes of my tribe (go shawnees!) was DGU. it stands for "don't give up" and apparently those three letters, and what they stand for, burned themselves deep into the recesses of my brain. i am proud to say that i rarely give up on anything. i work hard at things that are important to me and can honestly say that no matter how many times you kick me i will eventually get back up.

that said...last week i got an email from the woman who organizes all the playgroups for the newcomer's club suggesting the addition of three new women to my group. my playgroup never really took off (we all remember what happened when i hosted) and the thought of adding anyone new was comical and tiring. i have taken a few walks with the one other woman who actually wanted the playgroup to work as much as i did. she wasn't able to make it to the session i hosted and i knew that before hand. i was the only person to show up to the session she hosted and we have since had a laugh over the whole debacle. so, as you might imagine, adding three more women seemed not only futile but down right ridiculous. but, hey, if at first you don't succeed...try, try again...DGU...that whole thing.

i contacted all three women and offered to host a group today around 10:00. when 10:15 rolled around i looked at wil and said, "good lord. not again." right when i said it a car pulled up. and then another. and another. and another. that's right....THEY ALL CAME. not only that, they were all fun, all normal, none obnoxious, all had cute kids, all eager to make the group work. i spent $6 on a dozen mini-bagels and brewed a pot of coffee. there were no fresh flowers (although someone did bring me some!) and i didn't get up at 6:30 to clean the house. the conversation was easy and the kids played very well together even though they range in ages from 1 year to 21 months. they can all walk, even the 1 year old (overachiever!) and they gabbed, played with wil's toys and chomped on bagels as if they'd been doing it for years.

as i watched the kids playing and the women visiting i felt so happy that i'd decided to throw myself out there again. maybe we'll be friends for years. maybe we won't. but i'd never know unless i tried and, this time, it payed off.

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “Press On” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
- Calvin Coolidge

manipulate me

when pip was visiting over spring break she noticed (as i had...let me get that in there) that wil loved to play with all manner of knobs, switches, latches, etc. she told us about a board that is made with latches and such. she suggested to ryan that he could probably make one instead of us buying one for $150+. after some research we found out that they are called manipulation boards and they are used in both some preschool classrooms and rehab facilites teaching (and reteaching) fine and gross motor skills. we got some ideas and set off to lowe's to buy materials. two weeks later wil has his board and he loves it. thanks ry...it's awesome! and thanks pip for the inspiration!

the board

wil at work

wil supposed to be posing but watching basketball (it's march madness!) instead

peace sign.

the story is not a long one or even that interesting. the sign was ryan's mom's and i always admired it hanging in her house. it was given to me last summer and i love it...the way it looks, the color, and especially what it says.

just one of many things in our home that make me feel happy...and peaceful.

confessions of a deadbeat blogger

i pretty much made the decision to quit the blog for good. i wasn't feeling it anymore...it became more of a job than a journal and that was never my intention. the time wasn't there...or, more accurately, i wasn't making the time because, honestly, i didn't want to. for a few months i have been going days without even turning on the computer and it has felt oh so good. contrary to what you might think i didn't quit the blog for FB...i quit the blog because i felt like the blog was strangling me.

when i worked outside the home it was so easy to spend hours and hours on the computer doing anything from work to reading to emailing to surfing the web. i had 8 hours a day to play and i loved it. when wil was a tiny baby the computer became my link to the outside world. he slept a lot, most of my friends were at jobs where they did all the aforementioned stuff on the computer and i got on the computer in the morning and stayed on all day to feel connected. as he's grown my time has become less and less. he wants to play. he wants to eat. he wants to go outside. he falls down. he needs a hug. he wants to read (again and again). he has no patience for my being on the computer and he shouldn't have to acquire it. then there's lucy...and the cats....and, oh yeah, me. lucy needs a walk. the cats need food (again and again). i want to exercise. i want to read. i want to take a shower alone . i want to load all my cds onto itunes. i want to organize. i want to cook. i want to sleep. ARGH....there's no time for it all. so things get ditched. the blog. the reading. the shower. the cds. the exercise.

but then there's the guilt. not over the shower but certainly over the blog. SIGH. same song, different verse.

when you work outside the home you learn to multi-task. you learn that there are things that need to be done today and things that can wait. there are things that take 20 minutes and projects that last 2 months. there are deadlines to be met and a boss to impress and somehow, regardless of co-worker chatting and web-surfing, things get done. when you are home with an ever-changing variable (wil) it's not as easy to get things done. there are no deadlines (oh, i'll get that last 10 lbs off someday....i think my hair can go just ONE more day before i wash it...everyone loves PB&J for dinner - it's FUN!) and there is no boss to impress. there isn't an annual review and everything starts to run together. i am rambling.

the point is this. i get overwhelmed at times and i fall off the face of the earth. i have always been this way and it shows in different areas of my life at different times. i am trying to teach myself how to build a schedule and stick to it. i am trying to learn that everything doesn't have to be all or nothing. this is a very hard lesson for me. very hard.

nevertheless i am back and will continue to be back a few times a week (maybe less) but certainly no more. it's hard to achieve balance when you're clumsy as hell but i will continue to try.

while emily was out yachting it up, i....

dealt with this...

shoveled this...

walked this...

paid these...

changed 100 of these...some with poo...lots and lots of poo

tried to do this....

and this...alone (never succeeded)

washed, folded and put away this...

and this....

entered a period of "change" (love the new 'tude wil)....

emptied this...multiple times....

made this...

filled these over and over and over...

tried to make something out of nothing....

unloaded, reloaded, unloaded, reloaded, unloaded, reloaded this...

repeatedly opened and closed this for dog...

and cleaned this...

all while generally looking like this.

emily, with all my heart i hope your week sailing around BVI on a private yacht was glorious. no doubt after viewing this photo essay you're probably pretty bummed you didn't take the week off to be me.

birds of a feather

i caught myself staring at a shelf full of odds and ends the other day, thinking about how we'd come to possess each of them. we have some pretty cool stuff, if i do say so myself, and almost all of it has a pretty good story behind it. in some cases the story is about the thing itself, in others the story is about something the thing reminds me of. regardless of what makes an object sentimental it's fun to take the time to sit, stare, reflect, remember and regard it.

i don't really consider myself a material girl. i like nice things as much as the next gal but i can love a shirt from old navy just as much as one from anthropologie. that's why i love our trinkets so much...the love doesn't come from how much it cost or whether or not it's fancy but from a place in my memory. on occasion when i cannot sleep (a lot lately)i will lie in bed and think about what five items i'd grab on my way out of the house in a fire. ryan, wil and animals aside, these are things i would miss if i no longer owned them, things i consider irreplaceable. it's a funny exercise because, with a few exceptions, the things i'd save are constantly changing. all of this, as you might imagine, is simply an introduction into an idea i had for this blog. i want to tell the tales of these things...make them come alive, if you will, for you, for me and if he cares to read them someday, for wil.

up first, the one thing that's always on the fire safe list....my bird.

i got this bird one summer in newport, ri. mom and dad were visiting us in MA and we made the trip to newport for the day. newport, in case you've never been, is a really neat and quaint town in RI. we had such a wonderful day and when i look at this bird i mostly think about our day. we had a wonderful lunch, drove the coast and looked at all the fancy mansions, mom and i shopped, dad and ryan bar hopped and we had a final drink to toast the day at the red parrot. while there dad drew a map of texas for the bartender on a napkin which she promptly hung up above the bar. i haven't been there since but i hope it's still there.

the bird itself was one of those things that i saw and immediately, without any hesitation, knew it would be mine. i didn't care how much it cost*, didn't ask, and i picked it up and headed to the register. i bought something else in that store, too, but i cannot for the life of me remember what it was. i don't even know if i still have it!

i cherish this bird. i cannot explain it. it makes me so happy to see it. i think it's beautiful and quirky and odd. you can tell that someone put a lot of time into creating it (the shop gal told me that it was a local artist and one of a kind) and i love that. it was made with someone's hands and i wish, oh how i wish!, that i could make something so cool. it's something i will have forever and will be the first thing i grab (after all the living) in a fire. it lives in our bedroom, far out of reach of little hands, and if it were to be broken i might fall to my knees crying the same way my grandmother did when i broke her beloved giraffe. it's just a bird, i know, but it's the only one...and it's mine. next time you visit, ask me to see it...i'd love to show it off. but remember...you see with your eyes, not your hands.

*thrilling tidbit: the bird cost $35. i would've paid 100 times that and was surprised that i wasn't asked to. i've always remembered the price...probably because i was so pleasantly surprised by it.

sunday driver

one of wil's best birthday presents was given to him by aunt heather & uncle kurt...his very own four-wheeler! until recently either the weather or his health or our simply not being home has kept him from riding. i took him out friday, a beautful 46 degree day, and ryan and i took him out again yesterday morning. even though it was C-O-L-D the sun was shining and he managed to get a good ride in. we tend to think most things he does are pretty darn cute but this takes cute to a whole new level. enjoy!

perspective on size

thumbs up