i have always struggled with my weight. i have never been what you'd call "skinny" unless you count once in high school when i went through some emotional stuff that caused me to get "skinny" without really trying. because being skinny was linked with heavier things (no pun intended) i couldn't even enjoy it.i have long ago come to terms that i am not going to be skinny. for one thing, my body isn't built for it. i've had wide hips, a large bust and thick legs as long as i can remember. for another, the work required to be skinny is work i don't have in me or time for. it's taken me many years to embrace the body i was given and there are many days (like today) that i still struggle. the modern society that we live in is hyper-focused on looks and when you aren't fitting the bill, no matter how much you like all other parts of you, it's a downer. since giving birth i have found more beauty in my body that i ever thought possible. i feel strong and capable and carry myself with confidence...most of the time. when i see myself from the inside out i like what i see. but that's not what i see in the mirror. certainly not today.
when i left on my vacation to texas i had lost almost ten pounds and was about 4 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. in just a mere five weeks i have undone all the good i did and it feels heavy...literally and figuratively. i am bummed. i am ashamed of myself that once again, just as i start to get to a place where i want to be, i let myself down. i know i am too hard on myself....many of us are...
so, that brings me to this. i am not sure why i am confessing this here but i felt compelled to share how i felt because i have received a lot of support from this blog and i suppose i am looking for more. last week jess shared that she'd completed an item on her list by joining a gym. we've been talking and i am going to join the same one so that we can encourage one another. i also did 30 minutes on my treadmill today after getting wil down for a nap and that felt great. what didn't feel great was eating leftover nachos for lunch. ah...one step forward, one step back.
i strive to be healthy and fit and consistent with both. the latter is where the struggle comes. it's been a lifelong struggle and one i hope to conquer - at least improve on - as wil gets older. it's so important to me that i have a healthy lifestyle and am active as a good example to him. so, today it begins. i started again today on my food diary and with exercise. one day at a time. hopefully, in a few months, i'll update you in a much lighter (pun definitely intended) mood.
14 comments:
B - it's funny the ways we have no idea how we impact one another as we walk through life. seven years ago you handed me a card to join the Brighton YMCA, i think it was a discount card to give to friends/family. i still have that card to this day and use it as a bookmark - and we all know how much i like to read. it serves a constant reminder for me to think healthy and stay fit. you and ryan role modeled that for me when we first met and i've always found you to keep me on the up & up cuz you have a mind that is health conscious.
best to you...you're there, and you are motivated. have fun with it - the key, trying to find the thing that keeps you motivated, and patience with yourself. my bro Paul & I discussed this AT LENGTH the other night. my thing i have discovered is yoga & walking (and maybe an occasional softball game!). he can't run anymore (and it BUMS him out) so walking is his new choice - and he'll do it alot while here, with no car. all the bloggers and commentators that have joined gyms have re-energized me to stay on it. so you GO, GIRL!!
i agree with you, the person that you are inside is a wonderful thing and i think thats what most people see. also in this day and age there is way to much focus on looks, and i agree with the healthy part, which is what my physician is always telling me, "its ok to be over weight (not obese) as long as you are healthy. as you know i struggle with my weight, i used to be skinny and fit back in high school and until i was about 20 yrs. old, played sports all through high school and continued to after school, but something changed and now i hate to workout its such a struggle for me. but like i said last week on jessica comments spot, tomorrow is my first workout session with 2 ladies i work with. i find it easier to workout with someone, because if your meeting that person you don't want to let them down by not showing up, so you are more likely to stick with a routine. so betsy i'm proud of you and can't wait to hear about the results and i will keep you posted on mine, and i also and going to start again on my food journal.
GOOD LUCK GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!
oh and by the way great pic of the day, who is that behind the toy???
t-that is our dear lucy-lu behind her new crab toy. hilarious, no?
totally hilarious, i knew it was her, but had to ask anyway. i love the toy, may have to look for one for hankers.
Friend, we have discussed this at length. Truth is, you see what you don't like about your body and others see of yours what they wish they had. I have never liked my arms, as you know, but have commented on how nice yours are. It's a strange psychology we have in the country...a magazine with some skinny, porcelain skinned, perfectly manicured "mom" (like I know any mom who looks like the ones in Parents magazine) on it titled, "Feeling Good Inside". We are all victims and if someone says they are not, they lie. That's the test, right? Finding our beauty, the true beauty, both inside and out. And it comes in all forms. So throw your finger in the air towards NYC and work to be as healthy as your body and schedule permit. You cannot and should not ask any more of yourself. Your son isn't even a year old yet! It's not a pass or an excuse, it's reality. Having a baby is hard on your body. You ARE beautiful! Look at all of these blogging friends that have collected around YOU because you recognize our inner beauty and we love you for it.
Yoga tomorrow?
I think your BEAUTIFUL on the inside and out and honestly I don't see anything that needs to be changed! I love you sister!
Jess nailed it!
I SO wish i could go to yoga with ya'll tomorrow... :)
well, b, you know my feelings on this as i have unloaded on you many times (ad nauseum) regarding this issue. and though it is wonderful to have friends who think you're beautiful (which clearly you do), it doesn't change the image that you face in the mirror (or worse yet, in photographs.)
i think i'm beginning to look at this like an alcoholic is encouraged to face his lifelong struggle with addiction - and that is one day at a time. there are days when we're gonna blow it and days when we'll be proud. but i think the idea of facing of one day at a time is far less daunting that ruminating about how this i'll be battling this issue all my life. so if that helps, then i'm glad. i'm proud of you for getting out there and doing something about it.
jess - absolutely! see you at WOW at 8:45 am tomorrow!
everyone else...LOVE YOU.
See you then!
mate, as my weight takes a giant bounce up and down the scales every few years, i have no words of wisdom, but give you all the words of encouragement. i do think however that you have taken 2 steps forward because with mostly being ok with yourself from the inside helps you feel happier about your self, which in turn releases good feelings into the body which in turn helps you to carry on doing the outside work which will help with the mirror image! Set a fitness goal ie fun run. it seems to keep most people focused.
may the calorie burn of treadmills be with you :)
Betsy, I know it's hard to get into the routine of getting fit. My advice is don't set your goals too high. Start with a goal that is obtainable(# of days going to the gym per week or a goal while your there) and then add to it as you reach your goals. I think alot of people set the goal too high and then when they don't meet them they feel let down and frustated.
I know your probably thinking "OK Gwen who are you kidding, you don't have a problem with this, how do you know" but I didn't always workout and it took that kind of thinking for me to get to the gym and the most important part.. is sticking with it for long enough to make it worth it.....and I promise it will be worth it on the inside and the out...
B~
I applaud your determination to be a HEALTHY role model for your son. At the same time, "skinny" is a state of mind...
i am so with charlotte on this one!!! and i know you have a healthy and skinny state of mind! i can certainly empathize "heavy emotions" around this topic!
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